This buddy of mine told me on twitter that I am not mature enough not to hold back all of my emotions. He said, "Be mature. You are a doctor-to-be, it is all about being patient. You should have been able to hold back your emotions and not easily raging on people blahblahblah whatsoever."

Truthfully, this, kinda hit me.

I am wondering.......

Jadi apasih definisi "dewasa" itu?

Apa kriteria inklusi yang bisa bikin kamu masuk kategori "bersikap dewasa"?

Kalau aku berpikir tentang bagaimana sikapku selama ini. Well, something happened with me before I started university, and it did change me. A lot. There are a lot of change in my life that affect my personality, my attitude. I used to be this quiet, nice girl who doesn't even know how to make a new friend, or get chatty with new person. I used to be this girl who doesn't tell people easily. I used to be this girl who is looking for a good-looking guy. I was so self-centered, selfish. I didn't pray a lot.

But then, here's the thing, 

My parents' are splitting up, my high-school-boyfriend turned out to be a total jerk (he tried to change my religion, he was a drama king, he is psychotic, he can't be with only one girl, and etc.), and I got into this university. 

I learned a lot of things.

A LOT OF THINGS.

Dari perpisahan kedua orangtua ku, aku belajar untuk menerima kenyataan, sepahit apapun itu, belajar untuk menata emosi dan perasaan, belajar untuk tetap berjuang dan menjadi sesuatu meskipun lingkungan mungkin tidak mendukung. Aku belajar untuk menjadi kuat. Aku belajar untuk tersenyum, sesulit apapun itu, sesedih apapun, semarah apapun. Aku belajar untuk tidak menangis.

Dari mantan pacarku, aku belajar bahwa agama adalah sesuatu yang perlu kamu kenali, kamu dalami, dan tidak bisa kamu tukar begitu saja. Aku belajar bahwa lelaki yang dikirimkan Tuhan pasti tidak akan melakukan hal semacam "penukaran agama". Aku belajar bahwa cinta sejati tidak akan seperti ini rasanya, susah, penuh tekanan, dan sedih. Aku belajar mengenal Tuhanku. Aku belajar menemukan lelaki yang benar.

Aku seorang mahasiswi. Aku belajar untuk berhubungan secara interpersonal. Aku belajar untuk berteman. Aku belajar untuk memahami karakter setiap orang. Aku belajar untuk bersabar, tidak egois, dan memandang hidup dari berbagai sisi. Aku belajar kehidupan. 

Here's the fact of what I have been now,

I smile,  a lot, in class, in the hallway, in campus, home. With my friends, old friends, new friends, my mom and dad, my sister, my brother. I made a couple good new friends. Everybody seems to like me (well, I know of course there's some others who don't). I am active in campus organization. I pray  a lot and dedicate my whole life to God. And I found a love.

So, what do you think "mature" is, dear buddy?

I have twitter and I know I do a lot of twitting there. Sometimes, most of them, actually, I know are getting to personal, or, emotional. I know. I love expressing my feelings through words like the one I've been doing now. But, believe me, I am trying to reduce that habit, being totally twitty. Kembali ke masalah "menjadi dewasa". Jadi, apa kriteria inklusi dari "menjadi dewasa" itu?

Aku cukup dewasa untuk tetap tersenyum dan mentolerir semua candaan dan gurauan yang ditujukan pada kegalauanku meskipun kadang gurauan tersebut mulai tidak lucu.

Aku cukup dewasa untuk tahu bagaimana menempatkan diriku di tempat umum, bagaimana bersikap dan berinteraksi dengan orang lain. Bagaimanapun, kita semua sedang belajar hal itu, kan?

Aku cukup dewasa untuk tidak menjadi pecandu narkoba dan sejenisnya di kala keluargaku menjadi sangat bermasalah.

Aku cukup dewasa untuk tahu kalau aku sudah seharusnya mengontrol emosiku dan menempatkannya di tempat yang tepat (contoh: saat emosi itu dibutuhkan)

Aku cukup dewasa untuk tahu bagaimana cara menjalani hidup, dan kemana untuk memasrahkan diri.

I know I am not all mature. I am just mature enough and still need fixation in here and there. But so are we, aren't we? We are all not mature enough, we still get a lot to learn. I just want you to know that you just know my name, not my story. And you just see me as the part you want to see, you are able to see. Nothing beyond it. So, do not judge, please.

There is saying, "If you care about someone, they deserve to know". 

Yeah. It is that simple. 

If you can't get me a relationship, that's okay with me. It is not like I'm ready yet either with another page of relationship. It's not about relationship at.all. Problem is, I know if you know that I like you, but the way you've been acting and treating me is kind of frustrating. You've been kind of avoiding me, we're not talking to each other anymore, you do not come to me with your problem anymore. Is that because you know I like you so that you do not want us to be any closer? But, when I got into an accident, you did care. In the most ignorant way an attention could be, yeah. But still, you cared.

So what is it? Don't I deserve to know? You owe me at least that much

Hello, there! 

Been a while. I've been busy, with college, the exams, the assignments, new friends. All I can say is that I love these new little routines of mine. It's like filling, coloring, an exactly new book, blank papers. You get how exciting it is, rite? Sometimes it gets tiring, but then, in the very next day, you get new spirit to walk through another day. :D

People say, my friends say, about missing high school...but for me...nope. Not that I am being rude or anything, I do miss my high school, sometimes. The friends, the atmosphere, the feel of freedom, those kind of thing, but college is just too fun to make me look back (not to mention my previous ex-boyfriend, urgh). 

Here's the thing that makes college more and more interesting: you'll find your husband/wife here. ;)

And I think I found one :) 

He is kind, and funny, and honest. Firstly, I am just the one whom he will tell his problem to. Yeah, something like that. And me, was looking him as no more than that. But then, unknowingly, I fell for him. I fall for him in the most unusual way, in the most unexpected way. I didn't fall because of his appearance, nor his body. I like him because of his heart, and, I don't know how, I feel that he is the one. 

Every part of him becomes strangely beautiful. His smile, his hair, his eyes. Oh, gosh! 

Yet, I can't tell him. I can not stand the risk of being broken-heart-ed. One of his friend once told me that he likes me too. But I still don't have that much confidence. What do I do now? I remain waiting. Waiting, in case he realizes what I feel for him.