It's me, in the middle of chaos of freshmen schedules. Papers, organizations, issues. I am feeling grateful and excited and worn-out-ed at the same time.

Talking about issues, it is about the same issue. Issue about this college guy I like. I have no idea whether it's hormonal or not, but I keep feeling cautious these days. Cautious, and sad, and...grumpy. Like, worry too much. Still remember my last post about how I wanted to forget him? The fact is, I can't.

Well, it's not like I didn't give any effort. I tried, but I failed. It was this day when I was in the middle of my way back to class from canteen with my friend, Eba, and he was coming from the opposite way with his friend, and I was kinda in the middle of talking with Eba, and...he greeted me. My mind turned blank. I lost my words. I remained silent for like couple of minutes. I didn't continue my conversation, though I was in the middle of explaining something-class-related to Eba. (sorry Eba.. x_x)

Was I happy? No, I was not. And still remains not..

I am sad, and cautious and grumpy, and everything I can't explain. More than before. Why? Because I was ready to forget him, letting all of this feeling go. But then, I can't, I failed. And this feeling is killing me once again. Everyday, I am sad by other issues, other person, and one thing I keep thinking is him, one thing I keep missing is him. This is cheesy and creepy, I know that. I am falling fast, really really fast. And I don't expect anything down there. I can't expect anything. So, the risk I am willing to take, is getting hurt.

I learn that precious sentence today. You'll be much much and much more happier when you decide to stop caring about something, someone, anything too much. 

Well, I used to like this guy in my college so much. And I was like...care too much. I can't take my eyes off of him even just for a second. Like, oh please. Like, really. I was like got really worried and cautious if he is off of my eyes. I am feeling like a creep, indeed. But then, I realize, what's worth it? Nothing. You get hurt, but he would never know. You like him, you couldn't tell him either. You keep all of them by yourself, lock them inside you, no one ever know how exactly you feel. Nothing is ever worth the pain you feel. The pain of not being able to tell. The pain. 

So, I decide to stop giving even a damn thing about him. I like him, but nothing is ever worth the pain.

Dear my heart, tell me if you're okay. I don't how many times you've been through this kind of stuff.

Unrequited Love. EPIC SUCK.

WHY?

Why give me the feeling if not the guy?

If just someone could tell me why

This feeling of not be able to talk your feeling out loud. This feeling of missing someone but not be able to do anything. This feeling of just be able to look at that guy you like silently. This feeling of keep guessing about who is the girl he likes or what kind of girl he may like or if it's even possible for him to like me. This feeling of feeling hurt but don't know where to say that you're hurt. Those feelings are slowly killing me.... And I'm not strong enough to bear with it. I am not strong enough.

Kemarin, tanggal 31 Agustus 2011, semua orang tau kalau itu Hari Raya Idul Fitri 1432 H. Happy Ied Mubarak ya teman-teman, maaf telat :). 

Nggak ada yang salah kalau saja anak itu tidak melakukan apa-apa.

Mantan, oh mantan.

Makhluk satu ini memang cukup bikin pusing. Apalagi kalau masih kecil dan cukup labil, bikin pusingnya berkali-kali lipat. Apasih yang membuatnya berpikir dia harus melakukan apa-apa? PERASAAN BERSALAH? DIA INGIN MOVE ON? Ck. GO TO HELL. Okay, calm. 

Jadi, dia berpikir, dengan dia sms minta maaf di Hari Raya Idul Fitri, dengan gampang bisa dimaafin. Lha iya kalau orangnya ngerayain, kalau nggak? Nggak dimaafin dong. UPS. Hmmmmh, bukan gitu sih maksud saya. Maksudnya adalah, KEMANA SAJA DIA BELAKANGAN. Kemana saja dia selama 6 bulan belakangan nggak bilang apa-apa kecuali menyalahkan saya di belakang saya terus-menerus, setelah dengan berbagai cara saya berusaha meminta maaf tepat setelah urusan saya dan dia berakhir? Kemana saja dia yang tidak introspeksi diri dan hanya menyalahkan orang lain? Kemana saja?

Apalagi smsnya yang terakhir,

Anda keracunan sesuatu? TOLONG. Move on move on aja nggak perlu ijin saya juga kali, nggak perlu pamer gitu juga kali. Jadi ingat kata teman saya, Move on ae atek ijin barang -- move on dewe lak mari to, idiot pancen. (Move on saja pake ijin segalaa -- move on sendiri kan beres, idiot memang). Itu teman saya yang bilang, apalagi saya.

Saya memang tidak membalas sms anda sejak awal. Anda tahu apa? Punya keinginan untuk membalas sms anda saja tidak ada. Bukan karena tidak memaafkan tetapi karena saya rasa saya sudah tidak punya urusan apapun lagi dengan anda.

Ibarat buku, anda adalah  buku-buku SMA saya yang sudah saya masukkan dalam kardus-kardus.

Hello, bloggies.

Akhir-akhir ini lagi nggak ada ide sama sekali buat update blog, atau kata anak gaul jaman sekarang, buntu. Iya, gue buntu, sebuntu hidup gue #apasih. Yak, cukup dengan gue-gue-annya, nanti dikatain sok jakarta. 

Ya inilah saya, Jeconia, 17 tahun 11 bulan, sudah mahasiswi, dan akhir-akhir ini merasakan kebuntuan hidup yang tiada tara. 

Mau gini, bosan, mau gitu, bosan juga, pada akhirnya, lagi-lagi nggak tau mau ngapain. KYY pol, kalau teman-teman saya bilang. Kaya Yok Yok o. Kaya Yes Yes o. Kaya udah paling top --' Padahal bisa dibilang, saya nyampe separuh baya aja belum, kok mau ngomongin soal hidup, mau ngomong soal kekosongan hidup. Saya menjalankan separuhnya saja belum!

Tapi jangan kira saya polos kaya kertas baru jadi. I am not that naive either. 17 tahun menjalani hidup cukup memberi saya banyak pelajaran tentang hidup, pelajaran tentang manusia.

Sedikit banyak saya mulai mengerti bagaimana seharusnya seorang manusia menjalani hidup supaya selaras dengan manusia lain di sekitarnya. Iri dengki, kemunafikan, jangan sampai kau tumbuhkan itu dalam hatimu. Sikap pasrah, legowo, nerimo, bersyukur setiap saat, memaafkan adalah yang harus kamu pastikan menghiasi hatimu selalu. 

SUSAH?

Siapa bilang gampang? Saya nggak bilang itu gampang kok. Disini saya hanya bermaksud mengulas beberapa yang "saya pikir" sudah saya pelajari. Kenapa "saya pikir"? Karena saya pikir saya sudah bisa dewasa, sudah bisa bertindak seperti yang saya tulis di atas. Nyatanya? Ya gini ini. Saya tetap Jeconia yang dulu, yang masih gampang meledak-ledak emosinya, yang masih suka menyalahkan keadaan, yang kadang bersikap anak-anak, yang tidak berpikir panjang, yang masih suka iri, yang masih suka badmood, yang belum bisa memaafkan semua orang.......

Saya berusaha tersenyum setiap saat, dengan percaya bahwa dengan tersenyum, keadaan terburuk pun akan ada sesuatu yang baik nanti. Saya berusaha melihat sisi positif dari segala sesuatu, supaya saya tidak judge something by its cover. Saya berusaha mengerti setiap karakter dari lawan bicara saya, supaya saya bisa mengakrabkan diri. Saya.selalu.berusaha........

Kadang adakalanya saya tidak merasa cukup punya semangat untuk being all friendly like that. But that's me trying to be a better person. Ini saya, yang sedang berusaha semampu saya. 

Thanks for the high-school-hood. That's the time I got most of my life lessons. Fifteen, Sixteen, Seventeen. You knew the pain of heartbreak and learned how to heal it. You knew the pain of being ditched and learned how to ditch. Your parents split up then you learned how important family is. Kamu mengenal, dan kamu belajar. Belajar untuk menjadi manusia yang lebih baik.