Sometimes, fate is being so RUDE and HARD on me. Being?....or Playing?... I don't care. I don't even understand both of it. They're all just playing with my heart. 

Well, well, well.

I remember it very very clearly if one year ago, it was me who had been desperately searching for my PAST. But NOW, when I decided to start letting all of my past go, including all of my hurt feeling and every single pieces of my hatred heart, they are just coming one by one to me. They bumped into me, they found me.

Then now what? I am just not ready if I would be hurt by them again. By my past.

So, it is a FATE or a COINCIDENCE?

Insecurity is a feeling of general unease or nervousness that may be triggered by perceiving of oneself to be unloved, inadequate or worthless (whether in a rational or an irrational manner).

A person who is insecure lacks confidence in their own value and capability, lacks trust in themselves or others, or has fears that a present positive state is temporary and will let them down and cause them loss or distress by "going wrong" in the future.

This is not to be confused with humility, which involves recognizing one's shortcomings but still maintaining a healthy dose of self-confidence. Insecurity is not an objective evaluation of one's ability but an emotional interpretation, as two people with the same capabilities may have entirely different levels of insecurity.

Insecurity may cause shyness, paranoia and social withdrawal, or alternatively it may encourage compensatory behaviors such as arrogance, aggression, or bullying, a principle enshrined in the phrase "all bullies are cowards." Many people suffer a period of insecurity during puberty, which gives rise to a lot of the stereotypical behaviors of adolescents.

Insecurity has many effects in a person's life. There are several levels of it. It nearly always causes some degree of isolation as a typically insecure person withdraws from people to some extent. The greater the insecurity, the higher the degree of isolation becomes. Insecurity is often rooted in a person's childhood years. Like offense and bitterness, it grows in layered fashion, often becoming an immobilizing force that sets a limiting factor in the person's life. Insecurity robs by degrees; the degree to which it is entrenched equals the degree of power it has in the person's life.

As insecurity can be distressing and feel threatening to the psyche, it can often be accompanied by a controlling personality type or avoidance, as psychological defense mechanisms.

from: wikipedia.org

That is what wikipedia tell. But for me, insecurity is just an insecurity. You are being not sure with yourself. And that's what I've been feeling for this past couple days. It's all started from this 'mading' competition on UBAYA that was held by its pharmacy faculty. There was just 5 participants. All of them were from private school. So, the only public school is my team. From the beginning, they all had been sssooooo intimidating. They all made a big-big-big 'mading', a wow-'mading'. The one that my team can't compete. Mine is sssoooo minimalist, so small, can't be compared to them. Ugh. 

Here come the final day, the judging day. There were 4 champions, the favorite one, and the big three. Aaaandd, the last one that lost, is MINE.

It's not the lost that has made me feel this bad, it's the humiliation that I got. I feel so embarrassed. I felt like wanna drawn or vanished or gone just at the time when they read the result. I tried to keep smiling. But it's just not working. I went home with no spirit left. I've been thinking, "Am I the bad luck?". And so I feel insecure. 

I mean, I've been in competitions recently, but no one won. I feel guilty to my friends. It's like I'm the one who caused all of these.

5 bulan. Wow. Aku sendiri nggak pernah nyangka bisa bertahan selama ini. Nggak pernah aku berandai-andai aku bisa sampai angka 5 ini. Dulu waktu masih mau 3 bulan, aku uda mau putus. Bahkan bulan selanjutnya kata putus itu nggak pernah lepas dari bayang-bayang. Udah berkali-kali aku menyiapkan hatiku kalo-kalo aku beneran putus. Ternyata aku bertahan. 

Sekarang apa? Udah kaya gini terus apa? 

Well, aku nggak tau. Mau diterusin? Apa nanti nggak tambah susah lepasnya kalo uda kelamaan. No one knows. Jadi, jalani saja apa yang ada sekarang. Apa yang bakal terjadi nanti, dihadapi saja. 

:)

-Unknown-

I am in my rebellion phase right now. I have been feeling real upset since Saturday night. I hate Mommy, Daddy, and Ardel. Actually, it is not all their mistake. It is me who has been in my bad mood along day. I keep feeling jealous of my sister, tortured, grumpy, and uncomfortable of being around them.

I don't talk to my Mom, my Dad, and, of course, to my Sister. Everytime I try to have a conversation with them, all that happpened just I end up shouting. *sigh*

This morning, I didn't say a thing to my parents before I went to school. I ignored them. I was mad. My Dad, who usually drive me to school, now is driving my sister. I don't like it. Since yesterday, he's been ignoring me. My Mom? Don't ask. She's no different. She is never on my side.

So I went to school, was feeling all grumpy, and felt like wanna cry. I know this would happening. When my parents love my sister more. I know this would happening. And now this is happening.

Feel familiar ? Yeah. Welcome to New York's Upper East side...

This Manhattan Elite's groupie has made me fallen in love. Maybe it's a little too late to talk about this since there's already many new titles of TV series. Says, 90210, Glee... but GG has its own place in my heart. Believe me, I love all of them, they always have they own space. Because each of them, has their own uniqueness, has their own story. 

Back to GG...

It's always been fascinating to follow the stories, episode per episode, season to season, to watch Blair Waldrof, Serena van der Woodsen, Jenny and Dan Humphrey, Vanessa Abrams, Nate Archibald, Chuck Bass,  their families and their always dramatic  lives;  to watch what happen next after this happen; to watch what they wear. Yeah. It's always been damn-gorgeous. I love every Blair's her-mother-designed-dress. Serena's style is rock. Simple yet cute Jenny. Another simple Dan Humphrey. The mysterious yet handsome Nate. And this womanized-rich boy, Chuck.

Spotted: an ordinary Indonesian High-School-Girl has decided to get involved in this Manhattan Elite's complicated drama. 

Watch out J, you should know the first thing of things before you decide what you get involved with. 

xoxo, gossip girl.

Here is just another mellow post.

The last three days, me is that melancholic girl once again. Which what all she can be done are just listen to every mellow musics, create many mellow posts, and other mellow-related things. I really hate that side of me. Lonely, pathetic, and self-concerned. Just like I was before, one and a half years ago.

I do not want to be that girl no more. She is real pathetic. Have no friends, no love, no one. She was lived in her own world which nobody can enter it, which nobody can even understand it. She cares nobody, but herself. Neither does care anything.

I am now is no longer able to feel any happiness, neither do joyfulness. Smile, is now the hardest job I have ever had. I might be seen laughing, but the real is I am not really laughing.  I just see that it is something that probably be funny, and so I see my friends laugh, I just laugh the way they laugh. Not because I really think or understand that it is funny.

Everything feels....numb. I can barely feel something. Something that really makes me feel 'something'.

One thing that I miss the most: What We Were Before. 

Before it happens; Before everything has suddenly changed, and everything about us now is tears.

I miss every single moment we had in the past. Even the simplest one. When we were sitting in my class's balcony, waited for my course's class. When it was still awkward for the both of us. When you and I were have nothing to talk about. When all that were accompanying us is just a silence. When we were knowing nothing, but each other. :(

It may be the simplest, but for me, it is the sweetest.

Semua memang terlihat membaik setelah hari2 kemarin. Luarnya. Tidak dengan dalamnya. Justru semakin memburuk, memburuk, dan memburuk. Kamu memang bilang kamu baik2 saja, tapi aku tahu, kamu sedang mengalami kesusahan yang teramat sangat, yang aku tak bisa melakukan apapun untuk merubahnya. 

Akhir2 ini, kamu membiasakan diri tersenyum di depanku. Setelah kamu bilang kamu akan mengalah saja. Tolong, sudahi. Aku tidak tahan terus2an melihatmu seperti ini. Benar2 menyakitiku. Aku hanya bisa diam disini tanpa melakukan apapun yang bisa berguna.

Maaf, aku benar2 tidak bisa merubah apapun.

Maaf aku tidak bisa berkorban seperti kamu.

Kita memang bertahan. Tapi, disebut apakah hubungan kita sekarang ini? Pacaran, komunikasi kita sudah tidak sebaik dulu. Teman, aku masih bisa memanggilmu sayang dan masih boleh menganggapmu milikku. Adik kelas, aku bahkan tidak pernah melihatmu sebagai seseorang yang lebih muda 1 tahun denganku.

Lalu apa?

Yang aku tahu, aku masih menyayangimu dan sangat belum siap untuk hidup tanpamu. Apa yang harus aku lakukan?

Aku bangun pagi ini dan langsung menangis. Aku banyak sekali menangis. Setelah tadi malam aku tertidur setelah capek menangis semalaman, aku tidak menyangka bahwa aku masih bisa mengeluarkan air mata. Mataku sudah bengkak nggak karuan. Untung saja, Mama, Papa, atau Natra nggak ada yang tanya kenapa. Aku nggak sanggup jawab kenapa. Mengingat, membayangkan saja, air mataku sudah keluar lagi. Aku nggak kuat.

Tadi malam kamu bilang mau mati karena masalah ini. Dengan SOK beraninya, aku bilang nggak apa2. Kalo kamu merasa kamu bahagia dengan keputusan itu, aku bakal relain. Terus aku sampe rumah habis les. Pikiranku semakin liar. Nggak karuan. Aku mulai membayangkan yang aneh2. Dan saat itu juga aku freak out. Aku nangis nggak karuan. Aku membayangkan diriku yang jadi menyedihkan, membayangkan kamu bener2 nggak ada. Karena setelah aku bilang nggak apa2 ke kamu itu, kamu nggak bales sms ku lagi sama sekali. Aku takut. Sangat sangat takut. Aku benar2 tidak bisa membayangkan diriku tanpa kamu.

Tapi, aku tahu kalo bersamaku, selalu sangat menyusahkanmu. Aku ingin sekali membantumu. Melepas beban itu, tapi tidak bisa dengan caramu. Benar2 tidak bisa. Sudah kutegaskan berkali2, tidak bisa. Kadang aku nggak tahan dengan semua ini. Aku tahu kamu juga. Tapi membayangkanku tanpa kamu itu benar2 menyedihkan. Aku nggak mau kamu ngalah terus buat aku. Nggak adil buat kamu. Tapi aku belum siap hidup tanpa kamu.

Karena aku tahu akan seperti apa jadinya aku. Menyedihkan.

Hampir putus. Lagi. Yah, hampir. Jadi aku tidak putus. Tidak. Aku juga tidak mau. Sama sekali tidak. Memikirkannya saja, membayangkannya, membuat aku benar2 menangis kemarin malam. Jadi aku sama sekali nggak akan sanggup kalo misal kejadian beneran. 

Kehilanganmu..

Bukan lagi soal nggak ada yang antar-jemput.

Bukan lagi soal nggak ada lagi yang sms tiap pagi, sore, malem.

Bukan lagi soal nggak ada yang bisa dicurhatin.

Bukan lagi soal nggak ada yang bisa dicemburuin.

Bukan lagi soal nggak ada yang bisa dimarahin.

Bukan lagi soal nggak ada lagi yang bilang,"Met malem sayang. Met bubuk".

Bukan lagi soal nggak ada yang bakal nasihatin ini itu.

Bukan lagi soal nggak ada yang bangun jam 5 terus sms, "Pagi sayaaang. Ayo bangun."

Bukan lagi soal nggak ada yang bilang kangen.

Bukan lagi soal nggak ada yang khawatirin.

Bukan lagi soal nggak ada lagi yang nanyain uda makan apa belom.

Bukan lagi soal nggak ada yang cium kening.

Bukan lagi soal nggak ada yang senyum waktu kita senyum.

Bukan lagi soal nggak ada yang bakal bilang, "Jangan nangis ya sayang. Senyum dong", waktu aku sedih dan nangis.

Bukan lagi soal nggak ada yang bakal bilang, "Iya uda sabar ya. Jangan marah2 lagi ya. Nanti cepet tua. looo.", waktu aku marah2 dan emosi.

Bukan lagi soal nggak ada yang nemenin nonton.

Bukan lagi soal status jomblo.

Bukan lagi soal nggak ada yang nemenin waktu lagi bosen.
Bukan lagi soal nggak punya tempat main habis bel pulang sekolah.
Bukan lagi soal nggak ada yang nungguin.

Dan bukan lagi soal hal2 kecil lainnya.

Tetapi soal kehilangan hatiku juga. Kehilangan jiwaku juga.
Tetapi soal hati yang akan kembali kosong dengan paksa. Kembali mengeluarkan cairan bernanah yang dulu sekali kurasakan. Soal AKU, yang nggak bakal bisa apa2 lagi kalo kamu bener2 pergi. Yang bakal jadi orang linglung lagi. Yang bakal jadi sembrono lagi tanpa ada yang ngingetin. Yang bakal bener2 kehilangan kamu.

I do sounds cheesy up there.

Tapi itu yang kurasakan. Karena seperti semua kaum hawa di dunia ini bilang, "Aku Sudah Terbiasa dengan Kamu".

Hari ini nggak tau kenapa bete berat. Parah. Agassi jadi kena marah. Maaf ya. 

Bukan sama Vica. Nggak kok. Lagi nggak ada masalah. Ada sih. Tapi itu kemarin, dan kuputuskan kalo masalah itu udah selesai. Sama Papa Mama juga nggak. Nggak tau deh. Tiba2 bete. Mungkin efek dari badanku yang lagi capek. Jadi bawaannya suntuk terus. 

Lagi2 kelasku yang jadi sasaran. Aku tiba2 ngerasa muak, benci, sama tiap individu yang ada di dalam kelasku. Mereka tiba2 terlihat SANGAT menyebalkan. Aku juga heran. Jelas ini aku yang nggak beres. Orang mereka nggak ngapa2in aku.

Ini bukan yang pertama aku kaya gini. Dulu sekali, kelas satu, aku pernah benci banget sama kelasku. Sama tiap individu-nya. Aku sadar sekali kalo itu aku yang salah, bukan mereka. 

Cuma sampe kapan aku mau kaya gini?

Gara2 mood ku yang berantakan, orang lain sering jadi korban. 

Kapan aku bisa dewasa?

Buktinya, siang nya aku udah bisa ketawa lagi sama mereka kaya biasa. Aku bisa berinteraksi sama mereka kaya biasa. Karena emang nggak ada yang salah sama mereka.

Kalo kaya gini terus2an, lama2 aku yang dibilang freak sama mereka.