Doctor.
A great job, they said.
An honorable profession, it was long said.

But,
If you know how much hatred this nation, my nation, put towards this so called great profession, you would think that those sayings were just a saying..
You would think that this profession is lower than any human doings ever existed in this planet.
You would think that we, doctors, are shameless, arrogant ba***d trying to make fortune out of helpless sick human being.
You would think, "Who would've wanted that job?"
You would think...like them.

Them, who try to scheme us in to any condition possible for us to be behind the bars.
Them, who are going to try any possible way just to make us suffer, not getting any richer, not getting any happier.
Them, who hate us being happy so much.
Them, who doubt us several times even when we give our all just to save our so called patient.
Them, who don't even look down even when we shout out of our desperation.

If only I knew how much hatred is put towards this job, I would've rethink my decision. I would not take this path of life career.
In this nation, we are not seen as human. We are seen as a low-life beings. Even worse than a slave. We are under-paid, not respected, despite of how much of hours we work; how much sleep deprived we are; how many years we take as a medical student; how many personal lives are taken from us (don't you know how many hours of family time you take from us when we're supposed to help your family, the one you don't even thank for?). We do not have that human rights anymore. At least, not in this country, my country.

Now, let's see an engineer. Let's say..they are as sleep deprived, take a long road of study, not having so many personal lives, as we are..but they are not judged as a selfish human being if they make a lot of money. It's their right.

Yeah,
In this country, doctors don't have right to make a lot of money. We are not supposed to do that. We are wrong to do that. We are supposed to just help people. Funny.

No, I'm not angry. I'm just sick. Very sick. To how this country is so messed up. They put the honorable professions into despair and make the rats that consume people's money become more and more and more comfortable.
I'm not saying just for doctors. But for teachers, athletes, scientists, inventors, creators, and all of those used-to-be respected and honorable professions out there..

If only I knew how much hatred is put on towards this job, I would have thinking of choosing any other life career.
But, as all of my teachers ever said to me, "Do not worry, humans can hate you, your profession, but God wouldn't stay still. God will repay all of your hardworks.", I will do and believe what my teachers said.

Sincerely,
A young doctor in one of the biggest General State-Teaching Hospitals in this country
A 9th semester medical student in one of the top universities of this country

I know I shouldn't be feeling insecure, but...I just can't help it.

Knowing that he had two ex-girlfriends before me is kind of hit me hard. I know that this should not be being any of my thoughts or anything like that, but, I can't help it. I can't help myself for being jealous and feeling inferior. 

"Ah, so I'm not the only one that have ever been close to him"

"Ah, I'm not the only one he has ever been caring for"

"Ah, I'm not the only one who have been introduced to his family"

"Wah, his friends know them first before me"

"Ah, I lost a step ahead than them"

I'm not feeling special anymore.

Well, that's my problem. I wish I could get rid of it, he chose me, after all.

Everything happens for a reason, they said. Well, does it?

I woke up this morning feeling totally heartbroken. Last evening was SBMPTN (Seleksi Bersama Masuk Perguruan Tiggi Negeri) result announcement, and...my brother didn't make it. Yeap, my brother did not accepted. Again. After he failed on SNMPTN (Seleksi Nasional Masuk Perguruan Tinggi Negeri), he failed on this one too. 

If, I, am going to find who is to blame, of course, I, will, blame my brother.

He'd been focusing to other things too much, making him not focus on determining his goal and making it real, ignoring what my mother said, my father said, what I said. But, I understand, really understand, the pressure he had been through on the past couple months, especially in these times when everything just becomes real hectic and anyone around him just becomes lunatic (yes, including me). SO, no, I am not going to find anyone to blame. My brother has enough pressure taken and I'm sure he is just as sad as all of us, in fact, he might be sadder than all of us combined. 

God. Well, maybe, if I were allowed to take all of the blame to this Guy, I would. 

But, no, that kind of crazy idea is just satan trick on human's mind. Call me religious and freak, I don't care. But, yes, that thought has been occurred couple times since last night (I'm human after all). I don't know, I am asking God's plan. What is God's plan on my family this time? After all the suffering He's been put on my family until now, is that just not enough? What is it that He wants? I don't know, I've gone crazy. We are never allowed on asking God's plan. We are just allowed to be grateful of what we have now and be surrender to Him no matter what are we going through, that's just it. However, I've been believing that what happens to us now, whatever God wants on us, in our life, will always have that special meaning, that special reason for it is to happen, and we are supposed to learn something from it. So, just take a break, have a rest, let God does His time, and we'll see a miracle happens, that's what I've learned so far. 

So, yes, everything happens for a reason. Just be patient for you finally realize what something in your life mean to happen.

Apa yang bisa lebih menegangkan dari sebuah Ujian Akhir Semester? Buat gue, pengumuman nilai-nilainya. And I've just got mine this evening.

Satisfied?

Well, not really.

Well, I've got some A's in some subjects..but there're some not A's too..

Gue perfeksionis. Iya. Banget. Satu aja nilai nggak memuaskan dalam daftar gue akan menutup yang lain-lain yang memuaskan. Kesannya nggak bersyukur banget ya. But, that's just who I am. Believe me, kadang gue sendiri capek sama diri gue yang kaya gini. Kadang gue harap gue bisa lebih santai kaya anak-anak lain. Tapi udah berkali-kali dicoba dan gue ya yang kaya gini. 

Pacar.

Pacar gue ini pinter, tapi nggak pernah ngakuin kalo dirinya pinter, nggak pernah yang ngoyo gimana gitu juga buat dapet nilai bagus, tapi ujung-ujungnya selalu dapetnya bagus. Tapi, kalo ngga dapet bagus juga dia nggak masalah. Intinya, dia bisa lebih santai dibanding gue. Kadang, having this such boyfriend bikin gue ngerasa minder sendiri. Konyol emang. And it doesn't stop me from admiring him. After all, my boyfriend is a really great boyfriend, great doctor, great man.

Jadi apa inti postingan ini? Nggak ada. Gue cuma butuh tempat curhat.

xx

J

Pernah nggak kamu berada dalam suatu acara sekolah/kampus lalu tiba-tiba kamu sadar kamu tengah berada dalam keramaian itu, sendirian? Di tengah-tengah yang lain yang sedang berkumpul bersama dengan kelompok-kelompok mereka?

Pernah nggak kamu sedang berada di sekolah/kampus mengurus segala sesuatu yang bersangkutan dengan kependidikanmu lalu kamu tersadar bahwa kamu tidak punya seseorang untuk diajak ngobrol?

Pernah nggak kamu berada di dalam kelas, mengikuti kuliah, berjalan di lorong menuju ruang praktikum, sendirian? Sementara kamu melihat sekelilingmu penuh dengan orang-orang yang berjalan bersama?

Pernah nggak kamu menyadari kamu tengah berada dalam semua kondisi itu dan yang ingin kamu lakukan saat itu juga adalah menyendiri dan menangis?

Aku pernah.

Aku bukanlah seseorang yang mudah untuk berteman. Aku canggung, aku pemalu, I am not easily impressed but so easily hurt--aku tidak mudah merasa senang terhadap sesuatu tetapi sangat mudah untuk merasa tersakiti. 

Beberapa tahun belakangan ini aku "memaksakan" diriku, untuk tidak menjadi orang itu lagi. Sehingga aku punya teman-teman itu, sekelompok orang dimana aku tinggal di dalamnya, memakainya sebagai identitas. Kau tahu, di lingkungan ini, dimana kamu harus tinggal berkelompok untuk bisa bertahan--karena yang lain-lain juga sudah berkelompok dan itu identitas mereka. Kukira aku sudah bahagia, kukira mereka itu "teman", aku sudah merasa aman. Lalu terjadilah semua itu, aku merasa tercampakkan, aku merasa terasingkan, sepertinya mereka tidak menganggapku teman, entahlah, aku merasa terkhianati. Entahlah, mungkin aku yang terlalu menganggap mereka "spesial" dan berharap terlalu banyak bahwa mereka juga menganggapku sebaliknya. You know, expectation does heartbreak. Ternyata tidak. Duniaku langsung jungkir balik. Aku memutuskan untuk "keluar" dari "lingkaran" mereka, menjadi pengembara sendirian. Aku menguatkan diri, meskipun aku merasa semua menyalahkan diriku atas keputusanku ini, aku yang salah, baiklah, tidak apa-apa. 

Kamu tahu, aku sudah merasakan semua itu dan sedang belajar untuk merasa baik-baik saja dengan semua itu, dengan menjadi sendirian, tidak akan mudah menangis lagi.

Kalau ditanya apakah aku ingin kembali punya kelompok seperti itu lagi, tidak. Aku tidak meminta segelintir orang untuk menjadi sebuah kelompok super beken diantara lingkungan kuliahku, aku hanya ingin seseorang, satu orang saja, yang bisa kuanggap "teman" dan dia juga menganggapku "teman", bisa kuperlakukan "spesial" dan memperlakukanku "spesial".

Have you ever thinking of goodbye? Separation? A long one? With the loved one?

For me, honestly, I never think about some kind of Long Distance Relationship. I used to not believe in it, in fact. I used to think that LDR is some kind of ridiculous. I mean, how can two person love each other but not being able to see each other everyday? That's like, insane. But, as I grow up, mature, be and commit in a  mature relationship, I start to see that LDR is one of the options I could possibly be in at any time as my boyfriend is a lot older than me and he is already getting into the real world, real job, so yeah, I can't continue on being unrealistic.

One year, is like a loooooooong time for a LDR-newbie like me. I get scared as hell. I cried a lot of time and still want to cry some of the time right now. I just....so afraid of so many things. It's not like I don't believe in my boyfriend, I love him and I believe in him 100%. It's just, my last relationship is just suck and didn't work and kinda traumatize. I just scared that it might be not working too this time. It's like, you know, gambling on, hanging on, keeping your hope on something you have bloody-hell-no-idea at all. I watched all of my friends' LDR and watched them failing..one by one...only few survived...it is enough to give you this scary picture of LDR.

It's only a few weeks left before he goes to the city he is placed for an one-year-ahead-internship. So my life these days, in my semester break holiday, just focusing on spending as much time as possible with him. As much fun as it is possible too.

Wish me luck, xoxo

There will always be a time when you feel like universe is up against you, and you do not know where to turn your back to. What do you do? Keep your head high, put up a smile, go on with your life, make them who against you envy.

I officially has deactivated my twitter account. Couple minutes ago. Am feeling proud and.........peaceful(?) Yes. It is like just coming out of the water from a very very and long deep swimming, you are finally able to breathe a full oxygen, no more overwhelmed pressure, no more boundaries. Twitter has been causing me a lot more trouble in these past couple years than years before. People in these new environment of mine have a really lot interest at watching over someone's act, someone's talk, and making a fun of it as well as talking it behind their back. They think it's funny, they think it is not cruel, they think it makes them "the popular kid".

NO!!

IT HURTS THEM

IT MAKES THEM CRY OVER THEIR SLEEP

IT IS CRUEL!

YOU ARE NOT THE POPULAR KID, YOU ARE A 'BITCH'

Because as so you know, talking people behind their back, hurt their pride even more.

And people in these days are really like to watch over someone's tweet, checking if there is any mistake, and making fun of it. Even if there is no mistake, still, making fun of it. And I am too sick of it. I mean, in my former school, talking to self in twitter is like usual thing. No one would criticize it, comment about it. No one cares. It's their twitter account anyways. But nowadays...................................ah, I am feeling sick already.

Feels like I don't want to go to campus tomorrow.

But guess what? Only people who can't accept being criticize by other people would do such thing. Me? would still come proudly to class tomorrow. I'll take them who turn me down as something to make me stronger and better.

Semakin kamu dewasa, semakin kamu menyadari banyak hal yang tak pernah kamu bisa mengerti sebelumnya. Entahlah. Apa karena otak kita jauh lebih besar? Apa karena kita telah menghadapi lebih banyak orang? Apa karena kita telah menempuh pendidikan yang lebih tinggi? Apa karena kita telah mengalami banyak hal?
Itulah mengapa mereka bilang yang polos itu anak kecil, bukan orang dewasa. Kita tumbuh, kita bersosialisasi, mengembangkan banyak hal, bertemu banyak orang, menemui banyak kejadian. Kita menjadi jiwa-jiwa yang tak utuh lagi selama proses tersebut. Menemui, menghadapi, dan mengenal banyak hal tak jarang ikut mencabik-cabik pribadi diri kita.

Sakit. Itu yang gue rasakan sekarang dan gue nggak ngerti bakal sesakit apalagi ini semua bisa terjadi. Kalau celaan, hinaan, dan perendahan diri ini bisa ditukar uang aku mungkin kaya sekarang.
Bumi ini jahat. Hidup ini tak adil. Semua yang ada di permukaan bumi ini menyerukan kejahatan dan kesakitan. Bolehkan aku menangis untuk malam ini? Menangis sampai dadaku sesak. Sampai mataku bengkak. Sampai aku tertidur.

Tuhan, tolong aku.
Tapi aku malu. Kapan aku bisa menjadi orang-orang itu, yang jauh lebih menderita dariku tetapi bisa tetap menjadi besar hati. Menerima semua celaan dan hinaan dengan senyuman, tanpa menyimpan dendam dan amarah. Kapan aku bisa seperti itu? Yang justru mendoakan orang-orang yang mencelaku.

"Dalam dunia kamu menderita penganiayaan, tetapi kuatkanlah hatimu, Aku telah mengalahkan dunia". Firman-Mu yang senantiasa meneguhkan aku. Tapi aku tetap belum mampu menjadi orang yang penuh sukacita, Tuhan.

Apakah bumi ini begitu penuh dengan orang-orang jahat itu? Orang-orang munafik? Hingga rasanya aku tak mampu lagi menemukan orang-orang berhati baik yang aku ingat sekali sering kutemui saat aku masih lebih muda. Kemana perginya orang-orang itu?
Ataukah aku yang telah berubah menjadi terlalu jahat sehingga ini semua adalah harga yang harus aku bayar?

Okay, saatnya gue kembali cuap-cuap disini. Ga kuat sih :|

TWITTER

Siapa sih yang nggak kenal media sosial satu ini? Seiring dengan mendongkraknya kepopuleran Blackberry di kalangan masyarakat, twitter pun jadi ikut populer. Siapa sih yang nggak punya twitter? Hampir semua orang sekarang punya akun twitter. Disini orang-orang bisa dapet info sekaligus bebas berekspresi, berkata-kata, memberi pendapat. Artis, pejabat, penulis, anak SMA, SMP, alay, enggak, semua boleh punya twitter dan ngomong apa aja disana tanpa ada yang melarang. Sampai terkadang kita lupa, twitter itu media sosial bebas, semua orang bisa lihat. Seharusnya, SEHARUSNYA, kita bisa lebih menjaga perkataan disana..
Kata om aMrazing , twitter menciptakan orang kepo (suka ikut campur urusan orang), orang-orang yang merasa kalau mereka kenal dengan orang-orang dalam timeline mereka karena, SERING, tanpa disadari, kita menuliskan tentang segala sesuatu yang terjadi dalam hidup kita dalam akun twitter.

Sebuah pedang bermata dua, kalo menurut gue sih.
Segala sesuatu yang terjadi di sekitar kita, bisa berkembang dengan cepat dan besar sekali di dalam twitter. Gosip artis, permasalahan kota, kebijakan pemerintahan, dosen killer, sampe kelakuan kamu bisa jadi bahan omongan. People share their thoughts and comments about the problems. Some pros, some cons, and some get twisted and bullied...Semua terserah kita mau ambil posisi di pihak mana. Mau ikut-ikutan komen, menjatuhkan, support, atau gak dua-duanya. Sekali lagi, gak ada larangan. Palingan kalo lo ada di pihak yang ga populer, bisa kena bully sama mereka yang 'mengaku', 'merasa', 'menamakan', dirinya fans, pendukung, satu kubu sama pihak populer subjek masalah.
Tapi, dari sini kita belajar bersikap dalam masyarakat, dalam menanggapi suatu masalah, dalam menghadapi komentar negatif...

Satu yang perlu kita semua harus selalu inget adalah, itu tuh cuma twitter. Cuma sepersekian bagian dari hidup kita. There are more to life than just ngepoin masalah orang dan ngajak berantem di twitter. Komentar dan kasih pendapat tentu aja boleh, karena gimanapun twitter merupakan salah satu media 'suara rakyat'. Kita bisa kan memilih untuk berkomentar tapi nggak offensive dan bikin keruh suasana  Nah, ada baiknya juga kalo keep slow and calm dalam menanggapi semua komentar yang masuk ke mention kita. Uda jadi resiko lah kalo kita aktif di suatu tempat dan diomongin, apalagi kalo jadi public figure. Resiko pekerjaan katanya. Kalo uda berani ngomong resiko pekerjaan tapi masih suka marah plus salah paham sama mention bernada negatif (masih bernada loh sist, belum tentu negatif beneran...) yang masuk ke akun twitter lo........HAD3333H. Dibaca dulu lah baik-baik, dengan berbesar hati dan lapang dada, dimengerti bener-bener maksudnye, biar ga ada salah paham ye sist.............

So, menurut gue, being mature is a choice, but being responsible is a must:)
Woles ;)